Eclectus

i'm beginning to forget what you sounded like. i've carried this grief with me for years, took comfort in the fact that something i have left of you. what happens when that ache in my heart leaves me too? my memory has always been bad. i would have lists of things i had to do for you, and i would forget, and forget, and forget, until it eventually got done, a few hours-days-weeks after it was supposed to. to this day i forget small things like tasks and big things like trips and vacations and childhood memories that i will never get back. i have lost a lot through this faulty brain of mine. i will continue to. this i know, beloved. i am forgetting how you smell, how you felt. the different types of feathers you had. i am forgetting your quirks and attitude and the sound of your tone deaf voice singing along to whatever song was playing on the Alexa. you loved singing along to Let It Go, and You Are My Sunshine, and Watermelon Sugar High. To this day it is the only Harry Styles song i can bring myself to listen to. there is more on this topic, i know there is. there should be a page where i am writing a paragraph. but i cannot remember. but the most important thing is you were never supposed to be forgotten. it's so unfair. why you? of all the people in my life that i want to remember, it is you i want to think of until my dying breath. you were made to be cherished, not to fade away like this. what am i supposed to do when the little i have left of you fades away? i don't want it to. i dont want this. i don't want to forget. i cannot grieve what i do not remember, and if i stop grieving you, i will no longer be able to recognize who i am. i dont pray. but still, if there is someone out there, i hope they'll take pity on the little girl who lost their best friend, and let me remember you at least a little longer than i am destined to. i want to remember. i want to remember. i want to remember. there is a little container in my room made of a milky white, shiny rock. it has your feathers in it. all that i could find. when i miss you i take them out and caress them. i can no longer run my fingers through your feathers and it destroys me. so i take a wing that you plucked out and i run my fingertips across them until i fell you are a little closer to me. until i feel like i can breathe again. i miss you so much Blu. i love you. i wish you were still here, sitting on my arm, talons digging into my skin. im crying now and its weird. some days i feel so distant from myself thsat your death feels like a dream, a false memory. almost like you never existed at all. but other times the fact that you are gone hits me through my chest, cracks and splinters my ribs until my heart is bare and exposed and beating your name in the only language it knows. you taught me how to love. that i am even capable of loving. i would always give you the best picks of my food to snack on, selfishness be damned. the first selfless love i ever posessed was yours, and always will be. you were scruffy and loved to pluck your feathers out. you growled and bit whenever you felt like it, even when all we were offering were soft hands and warm touches. you loved to go under the couch and bring ripped up napkins with you to nest, and you would charge and attack our feet whenever we walked by them. this, i know. this, i remember. but how much have i forgotten? do i have a right to grieve those memories when i don't even know what they are? i don't know. i do anyways. i hope you can forgive me, for this. i love you. i know (i hope, i pray) i will remember this until my dying days. this will be the last memory to leave me. i would sooner forget my own name than yours. i hope it is enough. in the meantime, i will continue to cherish what i still know. and i will hold on to my memories of you with tight hands, hoping that they, at least, will not slip through my hands into the voids of time.

best colours of any parrot but all the parrots are wonderful animals so im not pitting them against each other either